I have had a hard few days. yes there is a lot going on and a lot on my plate and a lot that is expected of me. Yes I "just" had a baby. There is a lot that could bring on the blues but..it is me. It is my outlook and my endurance and fragility.
I caved in to peer pressure and joined facebook. I found a lot of friends on there right away. Did I feel loved? NO, I felt like they was a big party going on without me. Its not like I hadnt been invited 961 times. A dear dear friend, and neighbor is moving. (Edie, I KNOW how you feel and I dont like it :(
This friend would do anything for me. And she has. When my father in law had a heart attack, she walked over and stayed up all night with our kids while we drove to the hospital. When I paced the block trying to jump start labor, she came over to see how she could help. Gabriel's heart tones dropped and our planned home birth ended in a mad rush to a hospital an hour away. My neighbor stayed, without a second thought. A few times a month she'll bring us fruit. Or presents or toys or clothes that her daughter has outgrown. Her daughter ehlps with birthday parties for my kids. Her son climbs up in my rafters and amkes a MEAN R2D2 cake. She has overflowed such generosity and kindness on us so many times. So many. Nothing too big or too small.
They have owned and lived in their house forever. From the time they were married. Three kids came home from the hospital to that house. Those three kids have been home schooled in that house. A few years back their dad was laid off from his long time job. He has looked everywhere and tried many things...things aren't coming through....their house is being foreclosed and they need to move. Now. To where? They could stay temporarily with extended family. Those three kids don't want to leave their friends, lives, and all they have ever known. I am watching my friend lose everything and don't know how to help.
I want our community to rise up and join together and have a bake sale and car wash and barbeque and buy their house free and clear. But three more of my immediate neighbors have also lost their homes to foreclosure recently. It feels like everyone around me is selfish and blind to the needs of others and unrealisitic. Yet, what am I doing to help? What can I do? I can't do anything to "repay" her for all that she has given to me. I can't undo her situation. I can cry with her.
My baby is up coughing and it depresses me :( I am glad no one else is awake though as I sing unconventionally to him. Right now it is "ooh baby I love your ways, I want to be with you night and day oooh ooh"
I am feeling torn in so many directions and unable to help in the ways that I want. Yet I KNOW that GOd has equipped me for what he has called me to do. He has plan for my life and won't let me get in the way of that plan. I believe that. I know that. I can see that.