Parenting is so humbling

 I have been worn out and spread too thin for awhile now. It has boggled my thinking. I want to fix it. I want to find the right book or the right advice or the right Biblical wisdom and have everything returned to joyful. That isn't happening.

I have grown up without a mother, without parents, without family. I am fine. I beat cancer. We survived having no income for over three years. We have home schooled through it all, thrived as a family through it all. Things are great right now. From the outside looking in we are picturesque at the moment:  great kids, great life, husband working full time, living in a mansion while many are losing their homes. So why is it hard for me now? Why is it now that I feel a true struggle?

I sat down desperate and in tears and tried to figure out the "problem." I have a headstrong teen who will be a great leader someday but right now I really don't appreciate his strong personality. I have two preschoolers who need to be watched. Every second of every day. Except for two in the morning when the teens need to talk. I have a young girl who a few months ago was a sweet sweet girl and is now trying to figure out what being a young woman is. That is heavy stuff. There is no problem to fix or a person to eliminate. It's just all too much all together. It's not that I don't have time for each of my children or the laundry and meals for 7 people and cleaning a 3,500 square foot home, and planning, and replanning and praying over the education for 5 people. ALL of my time goes to these things. I don't want a "break" from it all. This is my life. The life I have prayed for, the life carved out for me.....Then why is it is tiring and confusing and draining? Am I doing something "wrong" if it isn't simple and easy and there aren't fireworks whenever people look in on our lives.

I don't need strokes and affirmation from outside people. I'm not looking for it. Yet, people sure like to offer their opinions. I have NEVER claimed to have this together. Why must people point out to me that I don't? You need to tell me that my 14 year old son isn't mature because...you think yours is? You haven't noticed the binge drinking and casual sex in the Facebook pictures of your own but can see every flaw in mine? I will revert my eyes back to my own issues and be quiet.

Sometimes I do long for someone else as involved in and invested in my children as my husband and I, to bear the "burden" and share the praying. The people who want to jump in really dont know what they are jumping into. No my kids aren't perfect. I need to stop pointing that out to people. This is their story too. Parenting is so humbling.

I have good kids. No major sins or law breaking. Yet there is so  much to be worked on. My olders know. They have been taught right from wrong they know what they should be doing. Yet they are children and I find myself following them around and managing them. We somehow get this false idea that if we just train our children properly and follow some formula everything will be perfect and joyful. But really? The kid in Juvenile Hall wasn't told to share and not steal? My child just hid and ate all the ice cream for my birthday because we didn't have proper rules in place? Maybe. Maybe Not. These kids are flawed and sinful and will make mistakes, some can be blamed on me some not. They have been taught and trained by sinful and flawed parents. They have seen the Grace that God has offered those parents too. I can only trust that God has a plan for them and a plan bigger than their flawed character.

Doorposts Giveaway! (Birthday Bash)

When my daugher was born I was given a present. Something that I had read about and wanted and looked at and something that has shaped our family ever since.

I cannot say enough great things about this resource. It's not a "how to discipline" guide. It is more of a parenting concordance discussing mistakes and conundrums that little ones get into and the real root sin involved and verses that correlate.

I am so excited about the Forster family and their ministry. There is such a grace involved. Never have I gotten an attitude of "well I do it this way why don't you?" But they give a brief and humble account of what works in their home just in case it could bless you in some way. I have been blessed through their lives in so so many ways.

Today the Forster family and http://www.doorposts.com/ is allowing me to bless you through them.

We are giving away a copy of For Instruction in Righteousness. 

****Thank you for being a member of Having a Hallelujah Good Time before entering  any of the Birthday Bash Giveaways

a Rafflecopter giveaway Woo hoo!!

Meet my friend Maggie

 I have been meaning to introduce you to a dear friend. I want to show you how she organizes her large family. Share some of her amazing vision. Follow her around and start a whole tutorial series. But that's not going to be the tone today.



Maggie and I are real life friends. I dont just mean that in a "not on the Internet" way. We have lived side by side in the trenches. I can come to her in tears and we can cry together or hold each other up and find a way out. She is how I imagine extended family and having a sister to be.

She has been with me through so much and given he so much of herself. Her hard working husband, who has always worked at least two full time jobs and still managed to be an incredible father to their brood of ten, has lost his job. Actually, he worked for awhile while they didn't pay him. So he worked and worked and his days were taken up and money was spent driving an hour away and back for long long days but there was no money coming in.

You can meet him here: PoserDad.com 

Maggie has started a small blog and today shared her heart and the threat of losing their house very very soon. I know this scare and fear and am once again so impressed at how she handles it and has the strength and courage to share it with others. She writes not in a spirit of fear but knowing that God is in control, has a plan and they are safe in his hands. What a lesson to us all.

Their problems seem so huge right now and ones that only God can turn around...but could you stop over and say "hello" on her blog: Blessingsdythedozen.com? Maybe say a prayer today for these dear friends of mine? I wish I could do something to turn it all around but right now, I just want these dear family ot know that they are NOT alone and there is someone in their corner: routing and praying. That we can do.

Are we that Family?

Have you ever seen two young people in love and thought, "wow they will have gorgeous children." Or saw a church directory and thought: "how in the world did THOSE two people make those beautiful children." Terrible. Horrible Shallow. I know I know.

I dont think I'm all that wonderful but I also dont hide under a paper bag. I think my husband is OK. I'm attracted to him. I think my kids look nice. They are mine and I like them. I dont turn away from framed pictures of them.

Every once in a while a good friend will look me square in the eye and explain that I have really beautiful children. OK. This has happened more than once. Are they surprised? Is this some odd encouraging word of affirmation someone somewhere suggested we say to people?

This weekend my husband and I saw several people that we hadnt seen in YEARS. Some not sicne our wedding. I got this statement a few times again. It wasnt a casual thing it was that look you square in the eye and state a fact that you JUST must hear.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN? I'll never know. Now that I've posed the question, you all will be squinting at my family photo and giggling. You'll think you need to say something encouraging or shoot me down in my attempt at getting compliments. I'll never know if we are one of those families.

Jewerly storage and projects in snippets

I long for a awe inspiring before and after to share with you. An amazing makeover or redo that is accomplished in a weekend. My life doesn't work like that. I don't have a weekend to spare. If I dedicated a weekend to redoing and making over: what would we eat? who would counsel crying teens and referee television use? who would change diapers and remind people or bedtime? would we drown in dirty clothes? Often it feels like I don't do anything. I don't feel all that needed. But man, oh man, try to step away it quickly becomes clear what I do all day.

A few of my flaws come into play here. I am sooo bad at doing things "for now." Dresser needs painting? Drawers falling out? Don't put it in the garage! We'll use it "for now." Until we get around to it. Thing is that we don't tend to get around to it. I realize that this isn't the best system. But I also realize that if we didn't use that dresser "for now" the way that it is--there wouldn't be a dresser at all. Sometimes that way it is, is the way it is.

When I had all littles I'd stay up late and make things happen. Then my littles got bigger and bigger. Now they want attention in the wee hours and stay up late doing chores. i once again have littles. Two little ones getting up early with two others staying up late and one in the middle needing guidance. I also work all night two nights a week. My "project time" is just not there.

My projects don't have a dramatic before and after but a slow slow evolution.

Today's project for example. Apparently, I have a lot of necklaces. In a few different drawers all tangled together. I had bought a cork board at GoodWill for 90 cents. It sat on my husband's desk for awhile. I think he hated it. I saw a few different variations of hanging necklaces on cork boards. I searched for material and tacks. I made a list to buy tacks. I gave up on material and hung the cork board. Crooked. Pictures? Well you see, My camera has been MIA since Easter. Seems that a younger sibling was doing something cute and a picture was a good idea. MY camera has been missing ever since  :) I borrowed an IPOD and got this:


You get the idea right?

If you're coming here for the best way to do things..I can POINT you in that direction. If you are coming here for Grace and Acceptance and the encouragement that even you can celebrate and have a great life with what you have. That I can deliver. (and I'll be able to find a cool necklace to wear in the process)

I had a birthday!

 Seems like that post title should hold a slew of giveaways and celebrations. Actually, you're going to hear me whine. I'm going to whine to you because I feel weird calling up a friend and forcing them to hear my whining whereas you can close the page whenever you like and I'll never know the difference. Sounds like a win all around. I'm whining because I'm sick of whining on my birthday and hoping that we can hash this out once and for all so there'll be no more whining.

Birthdays have always been weird for me. I lived with my mom and dad until I was 5 and then my mom until I was 6. My mom was crafty and a great cook and baker and prepared huge elaborate parties and awesome cakes and crafts for everyone. I actually remember them. Before I turned 6,  I went to live with my grandfather's third cousin who was then in her 70's and grumpily set in her ways. When I last saw my grandmother we celebrated my birthday even though it was months away. She knew she wouldn't see me on the actual day. I moved across the country and shortly after she died of cancer in her 40's. My mom died a few years later at 34.

I lived with my dad from 14-college. He was a bachelor and not quite sure what to do. He came in one birthday and asked if I wanted to take a friend to Farrells. Nice thought. Another birthday he bought me a stereo and then through a HUGE 3 hour screaming fit that it took him all day to buy it.

Then I met a wonderful family who treated me like their own (a new concept for me) and we had wonderful wonderful tea parties for my birthday and I felt so special and uncomfortable with all the attention.

Now here I am: the wife and mom. I make celebrations happen. I do all the prep work and planning. So what happens on my birthday? Honestly? My husband waits until the day of and then feels incredibly guilty that he cant do or buy what he thinks he should. I don't even know what that is. And he asks me and asks me, but life doesn't stop and neither do it's pressures.

I got a *new to me* dress/shirt thing at Goodwill. (I cant decide if I lke it and I dont know if I can return it now because the cashier gave me a 24% discount. They like me there, it's like my own little Cheers.)

I woke this morning to a toddler bringing me paper and pens because everyone else was making cards and he didnt want me to be left out :) My husband made a great cup of coffee and an amazing omelet. A friend facebooked me last night asking if she could bring over  a cake.

I dont want anything more but I feel like something is missing. Is it because my well meaning husband keeps asking me what I want to do? Do I expect my Mom to come through the door with a Barbie cake and make everything better? Do I miss my grandma making sure I am taken care of. I dont even know. If so, Id like to get over that now. This is stupid and I dont like whining.

Are birthdays weird for you? Im not all that offended by getting older. Do you plan your birthdays? What do you do? What is your favorite birthday memory?

Toddler Awesome

 
This boy.




He turned four in September.


He REFUSES to wear pajamas. He will not potty train.

He has no volume control and is LOUD LOUD LOUD from 7am--8pm. Just when I am at my wits end with him. he sings this song:






I cannot describe the cuteness. OH my.


Of course, he wont let me video him. I have to "catch him."

I have been chosen for a blog makeover over at Toddler Awesome. Stay tuned!!

Real Friends

Can I take a minute to gush and tell you about someone really important to me?

Edie is a special special person in my life. She is an example of Grace and fun and I think of her daily. Honestly. She is such an encouragement to me. I think of her when I do little things like put up our initial in a random place

that I know Edie would get. or search for curriculum,
or write on a chalkboard

and take a picture to Facebook her that I copied her.  I have poured my heart out to her and she has showed such amazing encouragement and giving me a push to strength. Even in little things like posting our initial or wearing a flower pin
and in the bigger things like acknowledging all that I have given up to pour my life into this home and these children dn acknowledging that, "Yes, it is hard and moving on"

How does she tackle theology and lipgloss in the same breath? How does she fully grasp our depravity and sin yet smile and life her southern life and have fun in life? How does she layer so many things and colors on her tiny little frame? Why does it work? Edie is a mystery to me :)

How did we meet? We haven't. She is on one side of the country and I am on the other. She is the prom queen and voted most popular in the yearbook of Blogs while I am the dorky middle schooler struggling along. Im not going to say she didnt notice. How could she not? She noticed and reached out to me and encouraged me and repeated to me that "we are so friends" when my kids pointed out that I dont actually know this person.

Tragedy struck Edie's life. And I cried. Her house burned to the ground. Her family barely escaped with the pajamas on their backs. I cried. Im angry. Not at God not at anyone. Just angry and blubbery. She praised God that only by His Grace were they able to escape with not a hair harmed on their heads. I feel horrible for her and want to reach out and fix something. Instead, she reached out to me and reminded me of God's Grace and Love. That didn't even occur to me and I'm not the one who lost their home and every little insignifigant memeory and knick nack that went with it. i may need to go cry again...

Happy Birthday Edie! You are so special and important to me! I thank God for all that you are and all that you encourage me to be. Thank you for allowing us to learn through your tragedy. thank you for your example and laughter and love. Thank you for giving yourself to us. You are there as a bright birght spot in the spare moments on our computer screens. It means so much more than you'll ever know.

Many women have linked up to wish Edie a Happy Bithday. There is also an adress to send cards:) at
Life In Grace

Please pray for wisdom with our son's Scleroderma

I have so many fun posts planned! I actually made something crafty and I have a great giveaway in store...but right now my heart is heavy and I need you friends.

Our son Nate, 14, was diagnosed with Scleroderma Coupe de Sabre about a year ago. This is a rare disease and not much is known about what causes it or what it will do. It is considered untreatable. His doesn't not seem to be systemic (which would be fatal) and has remained superficial (only affecting his tissue and muscles.) His started on his chin and is continuing up the left side of his face. He has discoloration on his chin, and above his lip. The disease has taken the left side of his lip, and he has lost all flesh and fatty tissue. He now has skin on bone until right below his eye.

Nate is experiencing a very rare and not very documented disease. It is referred to as an "orphan disease." No one really knows what it will do. It affects people very differently.

The next season is crucial for him. He has had two episodes of pain. The pain normally associated with this disease and Parry Romberg Symdrome is excruciating and untreatable. It is referred to by Drs as the "suicide disease." His pain hasn't been that bad. Pray it doesn't continue. With the onset of this pain many experience seizures and stroke. Our hope and that of his Dr. would be that because his manifestations have been superficial so far they wouldn’t cause these symptoms. Because there is no true pattern this disease follows, we are left to speculate and wonder. I have talked to two families whose chidlren showed the symptoms Nate does and then developed seizures and one a stroke.

Some lose their organs. It appears that Nate's eye will not be affected by the disease but losing the fatty tissue in that area can cause the eye to sink bank into the socket and disrupt sight. There is a woman on youtube who "looks fine" but describes her Sceleroderma and deteriorating sight.

Nate is being referred to a neurologist, an ophthalmologist and will have blood tests done. These may or may not show us what is going on but will serve as a base line to anything that does happen. Nate is being prescribed medication that we aren't sure about. There are also some routes that we would like to take nutritionally. The drugs that are typically prescribed would inhibit the immune system (because his is attacking himself.) I have not seen cases where they truly help the way that we would like to see. There are some nutritional things (like shitake mushrooms) that can help calm his immune system and balance. He was prescribed anti-inflammatory drugs. There are things that can be done nutritionally to do this but they would drastically reduce his diet.(no diary, wheat, corn or eggs, among other things) Keep in mind that nothing has been shown to slow down or combat this disease. We, as the parents of a child afflicted are trying to find a cure for an incurable disease.

Please pray for wisdom, for answers, for peace. For the physical and emotional energy we will need during this time. For unity and laughter for us together as a family.

Nate continues to have an amazing attitude through this all. His parents are worried yet trusting God. How will we pay for any of this? How can we quickly figure this all out when the experts can't? What is going to happen to our son? What is his future? Where would a stroke, loss of eyesight, seizures or chronic pain leave him? What about all the dreams we have for our first born?

I have no eloquence right now.  I included pictrures of Nate because he really doesn't look that bad. He does have severe facial deformity but because of it's placement it needs to be pointed out. So far. These are especially odd pictures because he is ALWAYS smiling. Even when it really isnt the right time to be:)



There is some information online that will better explain the things that I had trouble with
Sceroderma Coupe de Sabre:





Parry-Romberg syndrome:




Neuropathic Facial Pain and TN (Trigeminal Neuralgia)


God Bless!

Friendly Blogging

Thank you so so much for all the prayers for me this past week. Thank you too for all the new friends who stopped by and said a prayer. I was feeling very alone and scared and this was such an encouragement to me!!

This was an odd and packed few days. I had melanoma in 2003, my husband suffered a work related back injury and was out of work for three years. Jump forward 7 years. he has now been working part time almost 5 years. I had a rush appointment to a cancer specialist for three biopsies. Couldn't figure out where the office was. my 12 year old son decides to scramble eggs and throws raw egg EVERYWHERE. Our van is low on oil and coolant--Its time to leave here people!! Get to the appointment. LOVED the Dr. I will be back there regularly. he seemed positive about the biopsies. I will have results back in 2-3 weeks. Found out that our grandmother is having surgery that same day. Good thing we were in town:) My husband was made full time last week. He was pulled aside yesterday and told that he may be laid off. We're out of bread, we're out of peanut butter and the house needs a good cleaning. No socializing for me today:)

If you're new here...stick around things will pick up. I promise:)



Because I just can't stand to miss a party-
I'm linking up to:



and





and I think you should too:)

(A more Real) Love Story

This is a pretty fitting following to my last post:) Many of you have probably seen this...What I wont show you is my dancing around that 1000 square feet of tile Im trying to figure out how to clean. My little princes are taking turns spinning and dancing with me:) This is very cute but BEWARE it is soooo catchy. She is good.

Cleaning and Schedules and my new friends

I mentioned that we moved into an amazing dream home....

don't have pictures ready to share yet. Not sure if I should wait until we are all moved in and things are just right..will they EVER be "just right?"

I often encourage others about this lifestyle path. Having small children and homeschooling is like having two or three full time jobs. Then you throw in children of different age groups, husband's job loss and being underpaid, and night time working...I can see, in the abstract why I'm feeling behind in everything. Then there is being sick and all those around us are going to the Dr for bronchitis. We moved less than a month ago. I guess I can see cut myself a little slack. I KNOW that others can't "do it all" but sometimes I still thnk that I somehow should.

I kept telling my chidlren that I knew that we needed to find a more adequate home BUT would our lives *really* be that different in a new home. Uh yes. They are. This house is AMAZING and makes chores so much easier. The home we moved from had NO counter space and one electrical outlet in the kitchen with this shallow little sink and LOW hanging faucet. This kitchen is insane:



I used to go outside, and down my driveway to the garage to do laundry. I actually wrote about it HERE. This house has a laundry/mudroom INSIDE with amazing tile and a huge sink. It makes a HUGE difference.

My question for you all. Do you have a cleaning schedule?

My children are very helpful but right now my daughter is sweeping 3-4 times a day and the bathrooms aren't being cleaned at all. I know there will be some adjustment moving from 1000 square feet to 3,400. But can we REALLY keep it clean when we live here ALL day. The 7 of us. I figured out this week that there are 4 of us home who can make an impact and gave us each a major job and two rooms to tidy. We are trying and making conserted effort....

I keep telling myself that when much is given much is required. I have been given SOOOO much!!

This house really is fun to clean and I have found some new freinds along the way:)We have some very hard water. The house came with an amazing stainless steel dishwasher than barely worked because of water deopsits. We took apart the spraying arms and ran this miracle worker:

Lemi Shine, Dishwater Detergent Additive, Super Concentrated, 12 oz.

Through it a few times. It is shiny and beautiful now. and so are our dishes:)
I really should have taken before and afters. It worked that well.


I discovered this awesome stuff:
method granite cleaner
that doesnt leave my counters with a greasy slimy residue (and smells great with no chemicals or irritants for my sensitive son)

and this amazing stuff

Caldrea Basil Blue Sage Stainless Steel Spray

that takes away all grime and fingerprints on my stainless steel using Olive Oil (completely free of petroleum distillates)

I am slowly figuring things out...I saw a natural leave on shower cleaner that looks like it's worth looking into. Do you all ahve any more tips for someone drowning in house? Do you work on one room a day? One area a week? Is wanting it ALL clean at once a pipe dream?

I want this huge blessing to enrich our lies and NOT be an overwelming burden. I want my children to flourish here, not become unpaid help because we just can't keep up.

I'm linking up at

Wednesday-It Works For Me

Perspective?

We had a horrible few days here. My hormones are leveling (or something.) My husband bumped his head at the park a few weeks ago. It got stiff. He cant move it and missed 3 days of work. He doesn't have the paid time off for 3 days. We spent money on magnesium and pain killers. I was up all night with him. My older kids had to chip in more than usual and are feeling left out. There are opportunities that we just can't give them and they are noticing. Our van needed brakes. We ran out of money. My son's birthday is next week and he realized that we ran out of money. He felt more and more sorry for himself. Our baby is very very mobile and voicing his every opinion. Everyone was at their worst, everyone was acting up and saying things they didn't REALLY mean. Everyone seemed to blame me. Honestly blame me and voice it. I cried and cried and tried to find an escape route....

A few days have passed. Everyone has talked everything out. My husband's neck has loosened a little. He may be getting laid off. He may be getting further training. So much up in the air. We sought wise counsel and asked for help. We are still eating. We are happy together and joking and laughing--laughing until we are in tears. What changed?

Im getting excited about Fall and thinking about school. I asked around to borrow some curriculium and just may have what I need. I am really really wondering how I am going to juggle the teaching of my older children and nurture and training of my babies AND keep us all fed and clothed and moral. If anyone has any tips, suggestions, words of wisdom they are VERY much welcomed.

We made meatball soup tonight. I have a sourdough starter waiting for me. Life feels good.

It FEELS good. It felt horrible a few days ago. It is both good and horrible. My attitude hasn't changed the situtaion realy hasn't changed much either....Can I explain that? NO.

Projects at My House (A Reality Check)

I don't compare myself to others. Honest. I'm just not competitive. But, I do WANT to be MY best. If you have a secret to making amazing dinners then I want that secret. But, if your secret is that you have a full time cook...it is good for me to know that and know that I can't afford to do the same and move on.

I see these amazing home projects on people's blogs and I am in awe. Melissa pointed out that it, at times it takes her months and months to get it done and that we don't see the in between. Kristen told us that the secret to her amazing kitchen redo was sanding during nap time and painting until midnight every night. Edie said that her kitchen WAS a big deal and she also worked along side a hired professional. I get that. My rose colored glasses are off.

I got these pictures from someone on freecycle.......Floral prints. Matted and framed in peach wooden frames. Circa 1980 Home Interiors.

I had these amazing pictures of my boys from a photographer friend.

And I have a very plain bathroom: no decorations, not even a towel bar.

I asked my husband to paint the frames. He said, "you can't paint when it's windy." It is ALWAYS windy here. Seriously. I laugh out loud every time someone comes to visit and says, "Gee, it's windy TODAY." I finally learned to smile and say "Yes it is." Then I remembered Kristen saying that when she redid her amazing kitchen she sanded during nap time and painted until midnight. HEY!! We have nap time! I am up past midnight!!

Sooo....I took TWO days worth of nap times (Yes, that IS kind of like a "month of Sundays." It took that long just to get the frames separated from the prints and matting and glass. Then I sanded. I also went to buy spray paint. I dis ask the hardware guy if I needed a special kind of paint. he was convinced that I didn't want black spray paint. I am not 13 and needing to be talked out of an EMO phase, honest. I bought black. I contemplated buying the little plastic nozzle attachment. I didn't though.

So, I painted. I had originally planned to paint in a cardboard box but I forgot about that when it came teim to paint. no big deal. Just two quick frames.... In retrospect I am glad that I chose the grass and not the garage floor. I checked the direction of the wind. Checked and rechecked. Yet, my feet and calves are now speckled black. Noticeably. And my hands--did I need to know that my hands couldn't indeed get uglier? Wouldn't have believed it.


AND. I thought that I could just place the pictures OVER the matting. NOPE there are funky cut outs....and 12x12 scrapbook paper didn't work either........

Why do seemingly simple thigns always ahve to get sooo complicated? I'm full of energy and eager and a hard worker. Why is nothing done?

I was going for HGTV, DIYer..not I LOVE LUCY. Yet here we are :) You want to see the finished product? Yeah, so do I.















o